Monday, December 04, 2006

Yin & Yang

I wanted to explain some back and forth posts that will probably be on this blog. I may have multiple personalities, but they are all aware of one another.

On a daily basis I struggle with my free spirit, my belief in freedom of speech, and my interest in etymology. To me, words are what we make them, nothing more - nothing less. The curse words we use today are considered bad only because of the category we put them in.

Knowing this, I still will not use them in front of my mom or my Grandma, and would be less inclined to use them in front of God. I feel the same way when I talk about pimps and ho's, call my boss a she-bitch, and cuss my cat out when he throws up on the floor. I don't know how to find the balance between the smart-mouth that is me now and the Christian I want to become. Hence the yin and yang.

I thought after going to college, learning so many new ways to think, and being able to analyze others words more logically would make me less likely to believe in Jesus and the teachings of the Bible. Imagine my surprise when it didn't. I wasn't coerced, fooled, tricked, or brought up to believe in Him. It is a truth I feel in the very depths of my soul.

Why is this important to me? It is something I've wanted to talk about for a long time. It is something I haven't shared with my family for fear of what they will think. I fear they won't understand, but if they don't, it doesn't make it less true. This blog is really for me, so I will place it here for all to see.

I received the Holy Spirit a while ago (see Reception of Proof.. A Testimony..) The experience is a real one. I wish all the world could feel it. There is no way to describe it. Having this inside me changed me. Things I wasn't sure about are now clear. However, even though I know what I should do, knowing is not the same as doing.

People think life is hard. People think going about their day to day activities the way they always have is hard. Trying to become a better person is much, much harder. To go to work and not gossip? To not get road rage at the person who cuts you off? To be kind to an unkind person? To not cuss your cat out when he throws up right when you're about to walk out the door? To find time to really pray every day? To find time to read a little of the Bible, when I have time to read those sci-fi books I love so much? To give a drunk a dollar when he asks for it? To not call the man a drunk?

Those things are hard. It is one thing I'm not so good at. I've tried to take it one day at a time, but that does not work. I have to take it one minute at a time. This is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. But I have to do it. I have to. It's the feeling I have in my heart.

Like I said, this will be a struggle, and everyday won't be a good one. Please take every post for what it is. At times I will be a hypocrite. At times I will be on my high horse. At times I will curse. At times I will praise Him. It really depends on the day, and whether or not I've had a conversation with Him as I lay there in the morning waiting for the alarm clock to sound. The nice part is, even though every day isn't one to be proud of, I still feel a million times better for trying. To really know God is to know that I never have to feel guilty about a thought, a comment, a post, a day, or a week. If I talk to Him about it, he will forgive me - Always. All I have to do is ask. There is comfort in that. It annihilates fear.

Please bare with me as I grow to be whomever I'm destined to be.


Blogger BluJewel said...

I see it like this, as long as you're acknowledging the varying differences in how you view things, how you regard life, and what the essence of you; then you've accomplished much. Most people aren't willing to admit the pendulum shifts in their personalities, which form the very foundation of denial. As it's said, admitting it, is half the battle. I commend you for your honesty.

1:51 PM  

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